I didn’t start this blog with any intentions at all. I started this blog because a friend who is a well known blogger challenged me. The challenge was: if I write a blog post – he would write a chapter of his book.
In fairness I think it was more to do with the chat we had the night before about feelings and expressing them. I’ve never been good at wording anything or expressing any kind of feelings. My comment was “I love quotes and song lyrics, because other people are so much better at wording my feelings than I am”.
So he gave me the title of my first blog as a challenge. I took days to write it because I put off on starting it. I had no clue what to write.
I couldn’t think of a definitive ‘best moment’. So I figured I’d be honest and start my blog by saying that. Honesty is the best policy right? Before I knew it I was writing paragraphs and paragraphs. I have no idea where it all came from. I wasn’t even sure of everything I’d written till I finished it and I reread it.
When I reread it, I got the weirdest feeling of relief. Like I’d just lifted a weight off my shoulders. I wasn’t even aware it would make sense to anyone else. Infact I’m sure my words were – when I showed him the words I typed:
“Sorry it’s a bit all over the place, it doesn’t really flow well.”
It didn’t, it was just my thoughts and emotions from start to finish. He enjoyed reading it and wanted me to publish it. So I did, coz why not, right? I got lots of positive feedback from people.
When I type up a blog its because the way I’ve been feeling at the time. Nothing in my blogs are untrue or meant to take away from any kind of pain, anyone in my family went through too.
I don’t post a blog because I feel sorry for myself or because I want attention. If that was the case I’d share them on my page and everywhere I could; I don’t.
I post a blog because once I’ve written it and posted it and reread it, the issue somehow seems less scary, less debilitating, takes up less room in my mind. I’m not sure I can even express the sense of relief I feel once I’ve dealt with something in a blog that’s been eating away at me from a young age.
I’ve even had one or two people message me and say they are dealing with exactly the same thing, or they’ve been there before and thank me for writing about it. It feels nice to think maybe a few words in a screen might make someone feel less lonley.
I never meant to upset or hurt you, or anyone else by dealing with my issues or putting them into words. I don’t need to “dust myself down” or “stop feeling sorry” for myself. I don’t feel sorry for myself in the slightest.
I don’t see my blog as negative at all. I’m sorry that because of my ‘negativity’ you no longer want to be a part of my life. I’m sorry I see my blog as positive and a way to come to term with some of the demons from my past and my childhood. I don’t mean to make you think that my issues mean your issues from childhood or your memories aren’t important. They are of course they are. We had different upbringings in the same house because we are different people, and they things happen it doesn’t make either one less traumatic than the other.
I apologize for the comment I made yesterday about the fact he only hit me, that was wrong of me. I know it doesn’t need to be physical abuse to cause hurt.
I’m upset you think I’d ever blog about you in a negative way. All my best memories from childhood involve you. Our relationship is very important to me, you’re my baby sister. Even now, and I’d do anything for you. I haven’t even mentioned you in blogs out of respect.
We both live entirley different lives, and that’s okay, it’s what happens but it doesn’t change the love I have for you.
If you see this blog i hope you don’t get annoyed, at me further. I know you asked me not to blog about you. I won’t blog on the subject again, I Just Wanted You To Know…