I spent most of my late teens and young adult life in a relationship that I knew was going nowhere. It’s hard to admit that when there are three kids involved. My relationship with their father had never been much of a relationship. There is no denying he loved me, or he tried to at least.
I was 21 when my father was arrested in 2008, the kids dad was there through it all. If it hadn’t of been for him, I’m not sure I would’ve made it through the months after my fathers arrest. He was very supportive of everything. There was no wild attraction, no passion and to be brutally honest we barley even spoke. Which suited me fine, I was numb to most things, and had no idea how to love and be loved-healthily.So us just making do seemed the best and safest option.
It wasn’t long before our relationship became toxic, I didn’t know how to take his nonchalant attitude he took to everything. It would infuriate me, and also made me nervous. I know now that says more about me than it does him. I wasn’t used to it, I didn’t see it then, but I do now. I was so used to fear, aggression and violence that anything else was alien to me. I have never openly admitted this before, but I pushed that man and pushed and pushed because I wanted reactions. I’d infuriate him to breaking point, I’d see him at breaking point and push a little further. I wanted him to snap. I never hit him, but I’d get in his face, I’d wind him up. Not sure even now why I did that to him. He eventually did snap and became physical. That’s what I wanted right? That’s what I needed to feel normal?
He was no angel, he really wasn’t . Even when we had the kids, he couldn’t keep it in his pants. We weren’t right for each other. I had a friend who was always telling me about conversations her and her husband would have. It seemed like such a weird concept that she actually had conversations with him like she would have with me.
There was a collection of things that contributed to the eventual break down of our relationship. He cheated again, I didn’t blame him and I wasn’t upset. We didn’t fit together, we never really had. We split amicably to an extent. We can, normally, maintain a level of friendship for our kids. Unless money is involved, but that’s for another blog.
I really couldn’t see myself being in a relationship again. I wasn’t interested and I was toxic, I knew I was toxic. I resigned to the fact I was damaged and I may as well focus on my kids. Which I did for almost a year. I suppose you could say I lost my identity in motherhood for a while. Didn’t bother me too much. I mean I spoke to a few people, but I wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship at all.
Mid 2015, I started talking to someone-we‘d spoke for a few weeks and he seemed a decent guy. We arranged to meet up for drinks. We ended up seeing each other, it lasted four months. In that four months I completely changed. I left that relationship lower than I’d ever been in years. I’m not sure why I stayed the full 4months. I wasn’t attracted to him at all, and by the end he was horrible. I don’t want to go into detail because he’s not worth it. He really is a massive regret.
The start of 2016 was horrible for me, I mean after the new year celebrations and parties. My depression was back with a vengeance and I wasn’t coping with anything at all. I was arguing with everybody, I felt alone and I felt like I was failing my kids. I really can’t remember ever feeling lower.
Just a bit of back story before I continue with what I was saying. My boyfriend, I’m going to just refer to him as M. We had known each other since early 2013, we weren’t close or anything like that, and we didn’t really speak much though if I’m honest. Although he did randomly message me between Christmas and new year (I had called him a prick or something along the lines a few days before) long story and not even worthy of a blog post.
So, yea I was in a horrible place mentally. I honestly think I was just drained with everyone and everything. I didn’t really have much fight left in me. I’m not proud of it but I tried to commit suicide. I won’t go into detail right now, maybe another time.
Anyway the night it all happened, M randomly messaged me asking how I was. Or something along they lines (something I didn’t even remember, till we were talking about stuff that happened to each of us before we had started talking).
I’m not a big believer in signs, but I think it’s funny how people weave in and out of our lives at certain moments even when we don’t realize it. We didn’t say much that night but I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. He even recommended a documentary I had put on maybe 30 minutes before. I didn’t notice or think much of stuff at the time. Looking back now I’m not totally convinced it wasn’t just a coincidence.
So like a month later, me and him have a conversation about emojis, haha. It was late at night for me. It had been a horrible few months with every thing that went on. The conversation we had that night was random and just sharing stuff we found funny. Takes a lot to actually make me laugh and, that full convo that’s exactly how I spent it, laughing and smiling… I honestly can’t remember the last time that happened, and I laughed and smiled as much as I did that night.
It’s been like that ever since for me. Ten months since that conversation and he still makes me laugh like a maniac. Honestly what we have is so different from anything else I’ve experienced , and he’s my rock. I’m not sure how he does it, he’s never thrown any of my past at me, he’s never used feelings as weapons and he’s never insulted me. Even when he’s mad as hell at me. I’m not an easy person to be with, I know that. He makes it seem effortless.
To start with I didn’t know how to really deal with everything I was feeling. I don’t like losing control of my feelings. I’d had 3 kids with a man I managed to completely keep blocked out. I couldn’t do that with M. I wasn’t sure I knew how to handle that, or even wanted that. I tried to pull back – I was scared of being hurt. I pushed him away and he didn’t go anywhere.
I’m the most vulnerable I’ve ever been in any relationship, yet I’ve never felt safer. I’m not sure how he manages to love someone as messed up as me, I carried a lot of my issues from the past into our relationship. He’s dealt with them all one by one. I wish there were words to explain exactly how he makes me feel. For the first time in my life I feel loved, properly loved. He’s always telling me how beautiful I am, even though I don’t feel it.
He builds me up, all the time and it’s completely alien to me. I’m so grateful to have him, he’s my forever. I’ve never felt like that about anyone before. Takes a different kind of person, to love a damaged person. Dealing with scars you didn’t cause, must be horrible.
I wish I could word how grateful I am – that he stays loving me unconditionally, while I learn to love myself. When I stumble he’s there to help pick me back up. He never let’s me fall asleep without making sure I know he loves me, even when we are, red hot angry at each other.
“It takes a strong man, to love a damaged woman.”
I love my strong man, with all my heart.