Random Thoughts: Damaged

think that there is such a thing as damaged people. I class myself as one. Why? I think mainly because my relationship with my father. It’s human nature right? For a little girl to look up to her daddy and think “one day I’ll be with someone like you.” What happens when you can’t do that? What happens when the man that was supposed to set your standards for the rest of your life abuses that power?

I won’t go into any detail, one I’m not ready to, and two I don’t think its important anyway. The upbringing I had with my father most definitely affected me and still does effect me in my adult life. As much as I hate admit it. I hate that anyone has that kind of power over me. I blame him for a lot, a hell of a lot. I’m writing this now from a place of forgiveness. I forgave him a year or two ago, honestly having to forgive someone who isn’t sorry is probably the hardest thing ever.
My point of the post is, I class myself as damaged. I’m very shut off from a lot of people I don’t like to open up to anyone. I kind of have this wall that I built up over the years that is practically impossible to get through. I struggle with wording things so please bare with me. Being brought up with an abusive father done more damage than I could probably ever word. I kind of like to own that damage though, gives me some kind of control over the things- I, in reality had no control over. Took me a long, long time to realize that I wasn’t to blame for things that happened in my childhood. To let you understand physical abuse isn’t just physical. It’s a lot more than that, the hardest part of being brought up in a violent home is teaching yourself to change how you think. Like No, you are not a liar! No, you aren’t stupid for being upset. No, it’s not your fault. I’m still learning to deal with everything, and process everything. Honestly? My upbringing is a huge part of my life. Even more-so now I’ve had my daughter. It’s a huge part I never talk about, but it’s there in the background every single day.
My daughter isn’t more valuable than my sons by any means. Im just much more protective of her self image and the people that are in her life. If anything bringing my boys up to be loving caring men is my priority. (My father excused a lot of things on his upbringing which is another thing that really gets me angry.) Anyway that’s for a different blog. Back to my daughter, she made me realize a hell of a lot. I’m so determined not to kill her little spirit. I ask her “who is beautiful?” and when she responds “Me!!” it honestly makes my heart melt. All I ever want for her is to have a daddy she can look up to and know that she is beautiful. A world without that is a horrible place..
I don’t tell a lot of people about my relationship with my father, some are aware it was a horrible time of my life.. Some people even know some things that happened. Nobody will ever know the full thing from my side, and I’m okay with that. I made peace with that long ago. A lot of my anxiety and general dislike for myself stems from things that happened in my childhood right up to my early twenties.
People always comment on how independent I am. I’m not sure it’s a bad thing, I will sit and struggle and not tell a single person. My bad days are private and personal, not days I want to share with anyone. I kind of feel sometimes that letting people know when you are hurt or upset shows them a weakness, shows some kind of soft spot. I developed this kind of cold hearted hardness when it comes to life and all its obstacles. I’ve set myself up in a kind of way that I won’t ever need anyone, except my kids. My kids are my world, they are my little rocks and the strength I sometimes forget I have. It’s amazing what a hug from little arms or a kiss from a little mouth can do. Knowing im doing a better job than he ever did is an amazing comfort. I may be damaged and have a lot of issues to work through, but I’m grateful. I’m grateful that I had the childhood I did, I’m grateful I don’t take for granted the little things. Damaged isn’t always a bad thing, if it teaches you to be self sufficient and rely on absolutely nobody. I’m aware its not a healthy attitude to adopt, but its got me through almost thirty years of life.

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